Monday, February 21, 2011

Ok here goes..

Last week sucked.
Are any of you the first generation college kid of your family?
I am. I am also the first generation high school graduate.
So its easy to say I feel the weight of needing to be "the successful one"
And I kind of always made it that way because in my mind being a college student working to attain a degree, having a job, having a boyfriend, having a second job, and being crafty, in some form made an equation that equalled success.
Being the eldest child in a broken home I have felt strongly that I had to be the one to hold it together. I had to carry this success on my shoulders for the sake of this family.

Last week I went to visit with my advisor to plan out my up coming semesters.
I ended up getting a surprise I really didn't want at all.
He looked at me and simply said.. "It shows you are not enrolled this semester"
My heart started beating really fast "but, but I have been going to class for three weeks now, thats impossible" I could feel my eyes grow heavy as the tears began to well up.
He explained that I hadn't registered my classes correctly online so I was not really a currently enrolled student.
Oh my gosh. I could feel my body begin to go into panic.
I messed up.
I failed.

My whole body tensed as we talked about all my options. Unfortunately, none of them were very good. I had just missed the late add/drop deadline so if I wanted to try and get back in my classes it would be roughly 600 dollars per class and I would receive no financial aid.

When I left I felt as though my heart had fell from my chest and was now being dragged behind me on a string as I sluggishly walked back to my car.
Only to find my meter had ran out and a 25 dollar ticket was awaiting me.
I got inside my car and all I could do was scream before I instantly burst into tears.
I felt as though I ruined everything I had been working for my "plan" was now offset.
How do I get back up?
I assumed this was just my fate, failing, messing up the plan.
Fear of never getting where I truly want to be in life, fear of never succeeding.

And then I heard a series of words from some wonderfully wise women in my life that changed everything..
"who cares?"
"who ever said life was going to be easy"
"you are in a house of educators we're not letting you give up"
"I'm going with you to fix it, I want to be there for you"
and my favorite...
"you are disappointing no one"

I am not? But the plan, the timeline, how can I stray from that and still come out on top?
The next day when I woke up it was very sunny. And I felt some weird sense of relief.
That I was not alone.
That I messed up and it was okay.
That success isn't going to look like I think it should.
That "the plan" is totally out of my hands.
So this semester I am going back to work. This summer I will be making up my whole semester missed. And after that I will be walking slowly through the rain and continually waiting for the days of sun (and I will enjoy each one!). I cannot say I will never plan, because its human to want to. I can just say for now I am resting in failure, realizing its okay.

Thank you blog world for sharing in my failure. I love you for always being here.

xoxo j


1 comment:

  1. geez girlie, that sounds terrible!
    let me just say... you're definitely successful at inspiring me every time i look at your blog. so that's something... right?!
    you'll be in my thoughts & prayers lady!
    but... it sounds like you're on a healthy path already :)

    ReplyDelete