I understand this is very melodramatic but it is true.
I have been slightly off for awhile now. I get spurts of myself it feels sometimes for a month even then it seems to die out.
One of the hardest things I ever had to hear my boyfriend say to me was
"you lost your light"
I asked him to elaborate, he went on to tell me when he met me I was always beaming as if joy radiated from me, from my soul. He said there was a sense of a physical light around me when I smiled. Somewhere in the second half of my teaching year last year it started to fade.
Now I am going to go on to talk about something that may make some feel uncomfortable, and you may not agree with everything I have to say but that makes me happy because we are people and we are allowed to disagree.
This fade is because I suffer from depression, most of my family does. The highs are very high, but the lows can be destructively low. I also choose not to medicate, which is a very personal choice (I am not against medication and think it is very needed sometimes), this is sometimes hard because it is very easy to fall and sometimes impossible feeling to climb back out. I try to surround myself with the things that bring my simple joy.
green grass. warm drinks. mini things.
But most of all kids.
How could I forget? But I did. I began to feel pretty mediocore at everything I do, not understanding my point or purpose. And with the failure of my "plan" that I had previously talked about, I wondered why not just give up?
Then I saw them.
Because of some staff sickness they needed me to fill in at the school and I gladly accepted. I really had no idea what those two days were going to do for my heart.
By the end of the two days my boss was thanking me for making it such a wonderful time for them and I was thanking her for everything they did for me.
We laughed most the day. Lots of hugs, lots of dancing, lots of love.
This snow bank became our pirate ship..
Some walked the plank..
Some collected jewels..
And some were so tired from the fun, I just found them resting.
I built them a blanket fort to eat lunch in.
And we had great talks that sounded like this..
kids: are you a mom?
me: no, I dont have any kids, I am not married yet.
kids: your not? how? you're big!
Evelyn: But if you're not married where do you live?
me: well I still live at home with my family.
Andrew: who are you going to marry?
(I just smiled)
Nathan: Um, probably Greg.
me: yes, probably Greg.
Levi: well if miss jessie doesnt marry Greg, she will probably marry me.
me: that sounds perfect.
I'm not sure if my happiness will be found in teaching again, or if my happiness will just be found in the simplicity of motherhood someday. But this I do know,
kids are a huge part of the very essence of me. I truly believe that are the glue that helps hold my being together.
I hope you are figuring out what fills you with joy and clinging to it.
To finding out who we really are,