This has been the theme of my life in the last year. Since leaving the preschool, I have felt as if the ground beneath me has been moved and I am constantly reaching my toes down in search of the something solid. Pursing any way to make myself feel accomplished or whole again. I find myself my striving to reach every goal right now, so I do not have to bare any kind of feeling of failure. Not only am I forgetting "enjoy now", I am hurrying my moments away as if I ever so many chances to be who I am right now, to just be 23.
When this quote was staring me in the face in a recent book I read, I felt like I had been exposed as if the book literally said, "hey jess, stop rushing your life away and enjoy it!".
The author went on to say this:
"If I can enjoy the present, I don't need to count on the happiness that is (or isn't) waiting for me in the future"
Um, really. Ok.. you got me.
And its true, the "happiness" you are rushing to get to isn't even guaranteed. There's no certificate that says I will be infinitely happier when I graduate, or get my own apartment, or get married, or whatever variable I substitute for X.
Happiness may be implied in these areas but its not a sure thing.
So today instead of hating my campus (which is usual) I sat on the concrete step outside the art building with my big headphones on and stared at the trees behind the building for 15 minutes.
15 minutes without interruption or wishing I was somewhere else, I just enjoyed the breeze and the music in my ears and the colors of the fall trees. It might be insignificant to you, but soon it wont be fall anymore. Sooner or later I wont be in college anymore. And someday farrr away I'm sure I wont be able to take 15 minutes out of my day to sit and just listen to music.
So I am deciding to "enjoy now", for all its glory, all its pain, and all the things I am to learn from it. I am going to count each of these occasions as precious and assume I will never be allowed a "do-over".
I'll see you when I get there.