Ok, ok. I know it is now Friday, but I did start writing this yesterday when it was on my brain heavily.
One thing I think I really hate about coming to Jersey is it usually means I am going to have to come to terms with things. This generally happens because when I am here away from my normal distractions, busy schedule, and to-do-lists full of things begging for my attention, my mind seems to clear and I have to deal with things I am internally struggling with. I begin to actually process things out and reflect and move forward. And this week the the conclusion that I have been hiding from came full force and even though I do not want to see it or believe it, its true:
growing up is really hard.
No one tells you when you get engaged that along with planning your magical day full of sunbeams and sugar clouds, you will also begin one of the greatest seasons of change you have ever experienced. Everything from your residence to your last name is going to be toppled upside down and though they are all good things it is a lot to take on at once.
I like to think of myself as a pretty strong person, someone who can handle a good amount at one time. But, I'm not sure if its just my emotional peak in life or the sheer amount of (for lack a better word) crap that has been happening to us lately but I feel I am nearing a breaking point.
It is not easy to face trial after trial when you're already in such a heavy season of change, to not let doubt and insecurity invade your life. It feels like you are constantly moving uphill as things roll down the hill to knock you over, and eventually you no longer feel like you want to get up, you just want to lay there and let it all go by.
Then this week I saw this... "keep going". So simple, so frank. I wanted to make a million excuses to my computer screen when I saw it. About why I am too tired to move forward, about how nothing ever seems to go smoothly for me, about how I work so hard and never seem to catch a break.
But the words have been in my brain all week.. "keep going..keep going"
Then it hit my like a ton of bricks.
It was seemed as though something so obvious had become so clear. I do have to keep going, I need to move forward and accept the obstacles no matter how much it sucks because I am not alone anymore.
I not walking uphill alone, I have someone to get me up when I fall.
It wasn't until the brink of a meltdown when I freaked out to Greg and said, "aren't you scared?" You do not have a job yet// My wedding dress doesn't fit//We're running out of money//We're signing a lease in a week//AH!
and he genuinely replied without a shake in his voice, nothing is going to keep me from marrying you.
yup.
He always can see what I can not. I have been planning and living and acting like I am in this alone. As if I were to sink no one would even try to rescue me, but he would.
I do not have to figure out growing up all by myself. I have a teammate, a best friend who is going to tough it out with me. And even if my dress is the wrong size and even if we have to live off macaroni and cheese, he still wants to marry me anyway.
So here is to all the newness one person can possibly handle and to having a partner to help carry the load.
xoxo j
